I have felt like dying, at least once in my life; if you are human, I know you have to. There are those who would have me feel ashamed for this. I have been insulted with words like, “At least I have never tried to kill myself,” by people who are just the living dead.
The problem is not the feeling like life is so bleak that we cannot go on. No; the problem is the shame, that we are conditioned to identify with our circumstances– It’s this idea of, what happens to me defines me.
We live in a world where social structures rule our lives. We are never taught that what defines us is how we react to our circumstances. Hell, we aren’t even taught how to react to our circumstances. Sadness makes us weak, anger makes us bad, resentment makes us ungrateful (we should be lucky we don’t live a third world country.. blah-blah-chokeonadick-blah). But then, we shouldn’t think ourselves wise, or talented, or proficient. It’s all about humility & the art of not feeling. I don’t know how many times I have heard people say things like, “It could always be worse.” What does that even mean??! So, because I’m not lapping up malaria infested water from a well in the middle of a dung heap, I should be happy that I don’t have the means to survive in this country, or that I was beaten as a child & have no family to speak of, or that…, or that…, or that…? I can already hear the self-righteous choir ringing in, “You make your own future. We ALWAYS have the means.” Well, “means” are not always monetary. Sometimes the means we lack are support, love, encouragement, a confidant.
It is crazy to me how simple the solution to society’s ailments are & yet we still keep chugging along with our bullshit mottos like, “Love is unconditional.” No it isn’t, & whoever told you that is a lie worse than Adolf.
Here are some truths you can take to the bank:
1. Titles mean NOTHING; People are people and they will let you down. They will try to shame you. They will judge you. They will hate you. They will marginalize you. Fuck them [literally or figuratively... different strokes for different folks]
2. EVERYONE has wanted to roll over & die at some point or another. It’s normal, it’s human, it’s natural. The only way to keep from actually doing it is to recognize it, talk about it & refer to #1
3. You are not defined by your circumstances or possessions. Who we are goes so far beyond our social class (& thereby, the pool of people from which we have to choose our acquaintances/lovers/friends, who we happen to be bore of, who we bear, etc. etc.)
4. Sometimes, it really is that bad.
5. Sometimes, it really is that good.
6. Emotions are good– It’s okay to say, “I am really amazing at this! I am so proud of myself. Look at how much I have accomplished!” Similarly, it’s okay to say, “I really screwed up. I’m depressed. I’m angry. I feel resentful. I don’t like myself right now.'”
7. Suppression is bad- talking in a creepy soft voice, never yelling, never crying, never venting for fear of how others might view you WILL KILL YOU (ask the surgeon general). Besides, if people decide they don’t like you because of your circumstances all you need to do is refer to #1.
8. At some point we have to take responsibility for ourselves. We do that by living 1-7. In this way, we lighten our souls & keep our surroundings as ideal as can be. We feel no shame, only growth; always growth. As long as we are striving to be better, to grow, to learn, to achieve, we’re good. BUT, only take responsibility for the things you should. Let others worry about picking up their own loads, & never allow anyone to try & hand you yours– that doesn’t work anyway.
If we allow ourselves to feel, recognize how things happen (sometimes it’s our fault, sometimes it’s not, & it’s okay to admit to both), & strive ever to learn from our circumstances– instead of allowing ourselves to be defined by them– we will all be better for it. The world will be better for it.